Office Object-ivity: Horoscope
Posted: Tuesday, August 03, 2010
by James Banner
Cabinet picked up the morning paper and thought, "Hmmm, I wonder what my horoscope says today." As he flipped the page to the Objection section, he noticed it there on the upper left-hand corner. It was neatly written by one of the most prominent and well-known authors at the Washington Host - Dictionary. It characterized Cabinet to a tee. He read it slowly as if he were going to get a prize at the end.
From the Washington Host
Author: Dictionary
"Today you will deal with many obstacles and get stuck fixing them. You will eat two thirds of your body's weight, hold on, it doesn't stop there. Gluttony is your friend today. You will not overcome this sin. You're smarter than the average cabinet. Let the light shine where the sun doesn't grow. Your awareness in your environment will cause you to have a seizure on a full moon. Yes, you will twitch while lying on the floor. No, you cannot eat ice cream afterwards. If you ask for a candy bar you're going too far. Eating sweets will become a disease, because on this day you will get a combination of diabetes and diarrhea. Whoa, don't go to the restroom unless toilet tissue is available. You are fearful. Fear is not in your vocabulary. If you want to jump off the building then do it. It's your prerogative. Now, if you get hurt it will be okay, because you caused your own pain.
If you work in an office environment, you will not get promoted, so don't ask. Just remain seated and attempt to answer all the questions from the lawsuit you will file. If the questions are too complex, just say, "skip to the next question please," and they will rightfully do so. If you want to buy a vowel, pull out your checkbook and wait for the next word. Prepare yourself because once the questioning is completed you will get fired, but not because of personal reasons. This is why, You: took a stapler off a cubicle none other than your own; ate your bosses lunch on purpose; held a meeting with nothing to say & counted heads to see who showed up; harassed Paper on his birthday & didn't buy a present; mooned the cleaning lady; farted and blamed it on Telecom; misrepresented yourself as the Messiah; and performed a somersault on the conference room table.
You are not comfortable in your home. At home, you're sitting on the couch & watching television, you're not a couch potato. Potatoes' are food not objects like you (Dictionary) and me. On your laptop, you will not add an antivirus program to it. Viruses will take over your laptop and ask for assistance by inviting Malware. You care & love animals, so you have no bug spray for insects. Therefore, they put in requests to stay for dinner raiding the refrigerator and kitchen sink. You don't know how to cook, so you buy JFC Juice, frankfurters, and coleslaw. Wait a minute, you don't really eat food, you ignore the insects, since you're already feeling guilty about the JFC and change your order to paper files. Once the delivery van arrives, he begans walking on the sidewalk & you turn on the sprinklers. You refuse to pay him and try to barter throwing the insects on his shirt. He squishes one in his pocket licks his hand and yells, "You still owe me money." You are generous and laugh.
Finally, when the day is over you find out that you have no heart, ears etc. and steal Mr. Potato Head's accessories as a substitute. The ears keep falling off, so you try pig ears. Slimy, yes they are. Since they don't fit you try eat them knowing you can't. Cabinet your sign says that you're a twin, which is not true. No two Cabinets have the same amount of scratches, scraps, bends, bumps, and key locking system, unless they're related. You are dependent. Your friends don't like you because you're independent. Your drawers can hold much more than expected. You expect the unexpected to happen and it does. You run into a wall and everybody laughs or you bump into Switchbox and he trips you. Lastly you think progress is not good but you're sadly mistaken. You're in the ROTC camp, the drill Sergeant asks volunteers to move backwards if you want to go to war and you take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. He says, "Oh we have a new recruit."
This Article has been viewed 164 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Oh oh oh, poor Cabinet, what a lousy horoscope! Dictionary surely has a chip on his/her shoulder/page.In this selection, Dictionary actually does take the cake with this one. It lashes out at Cabinet. However, Cabinet may be the star of upcoming episodes, so basically he cannot die!
Highly enjoyable, especially the horoscope.Thanks. I am glad you enjoyed it!
LOL now this made me laugh. You did a great job.GraceI just do what I can when I can! I can be fun!
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.